For the secular holiday, Festivus, one that eschews the commercial pressures of Christmas with origins rooted on the show Seinfeld, Dr. Rand Paul has released his ninth annual Festivus Report. A yearly report on wasteful spending by the federal government. Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) has prepared this report yearly since 2015 which situates him above and beyond a simple rank-and-file lawmaker.

Highlights from the report include the National Institutes of Health spending a portion of a $2.7 million grant to study Russian cats walking on a treadmill and Barbies used as proof of ID for receiving COVID PPP (Paycheck Protection Program) funds. The Department of Defense ruined over $169 Mn worth of military equipment by leaving it outside, the United States Agency for International Development spent $6 Mn to promote tourism in Egypt, and the Small Business Administration gave ‘struggling’ music artists like Post Malone, Chris Brown, Lil Wayne, and Nickelback over $200 Mn.

In the spirit of airing grievances, Dr. Rand Paul leaves no stone unturned for this “Festivus for the rest of us”. He brings up the F-35 that went missing earlier this year, Chinese spy balloons, UFO hype, and the crushing and unsustainable U.S. debt. A debt ceiling that will continue to mount, as the Congressional Budget Office predicts we will add an average of $2 Tn in debt annually for the next decade.

The report uncovers a whopping ~$900,000,000,000 of waste. Here’s a breakdown.

• Barbie Doll Photo Used to Get COVID PPP Funds

• Dr. Fauci’s Monkey Business on NIH’s “Monkey Island”

• USAID Fund to Boost Egyptian Tourism

• USDA’s Cutting-Edge Research: Walking Dogs in the Summer

• DHS Training Employees to Be Their “Authentic & Best Selves”

• Russian Cats-On-A-Treadmill Studies Funded by NIH

• “Real Fake”: DHS’s 1st Graphic Novel About Disinformation

• DHS’s 2nd Graphic Novel: COVID Disinformation

• NIH’s Meth-Head Monkeys

• Dr. Fauci’s Transgender Monkey Study

While Senator Paul’s fact finding and fact facing mission is a lonely and arduous one, there are many fiscally-concerned readers that will find this report to be a joyous read into the archives of money mismanagement by the U.S.government. My only hope is that at least a few of these are at covers for black projects. Anything short of this would be a ‘Festivus miracle’ of complete incompetence.

Happy holidays.